The internet is awash with advice about life after divorce. As well as practical guidance about finances and children, there are lessons about moving on emotionally (‘Treasuring your magnificence’ and ‘realizing you are born with gold nuggets’ is the advice of one US psychiatrist!).
But one lesson these well-intentioned websites often forget is that, as well as moving on, you need to stay on the ball. With the financial settlement concluded and residence, contact and support arrangements finalised, many people think that’s everything sorted. It is, but it’s all too easy for subsequent developments - either emotional or financial - to rock the boat.
A new partner: We often see situations where the other parent is concerned about the new partner’s lifestyle or influence on their children, and then wants to review the child(ren’s) residence or contact arrangements.
A new partner with money: If an ex-wife moves in with a wealthy partner, does this give the ex-husband the right to terminate spousal support payments? This is a complex area, and has led to many a court case.
A new job: One parent is offered a job abroad or at the other end of the country, and wants to relocate the children. Or the other parent wants to stop it happening. In an increasingly mobile world, this issue is more and more common, and it’s too easy for the discussions to reach deadlock.
Financial shocks or changes: For example, a parent who pays child support is made redundant or downsizes, and wants to review the child support arrangements.
All of these situations can easily reawaken grievances from long ago, and escalate into full-blown emotional or legal stalemate.
With all post-divorce disputes, just as with the original divorce, it’s worth trying everything possible to stay out of court. Ways to do this include using family mediation, negotiation, or collaborative law (a process of negotiation that involves four-way meetings with clients and solicitors and a commitment to avoid going to court).
An amicable divorce will only stay amicable if all involved are committed to keeping it that way – and constructive legal advice may well be needed to deal with problems before they escalate.
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